Über Quotes

43% of all statistics are worthless.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
A bad plan is better than no plan.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future. — Robert A. Heinlein
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.
A gentleman is a patient wolf.
A good pun is its own reword.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. — Doug Larson
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin
A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Damian Conway
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
Any fool can know. The point is to understand. — Albert Einstein
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
Batteries not included.
Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
Be naughty – save santa the trip.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
Best viewed on my computer.
Better late than really late.
Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
Biology grows on you.
Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. — Kin Hubbard
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Clones are people two.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain
Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Come to the dark side – we have cookies.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
Don’t let yesterday take up to much of today.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
Drive defensively – buy a tank.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit. — Mike Tyson
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy
Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
Examine what is said, not who speaks.
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. — Oscar Wilde
F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. — Henry Ford
Failure teaches success.
Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.
Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure. — Mark Twain
First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. — H.L. Mencken
For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
Friendly fire – isn’t.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. — Thomas Jones
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
Frog blast the vent core!
Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.
God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. — Albert Einstein
Half the people you know are below average.
Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. — Confucius
Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. — Pablo Picasso
I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde
I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. — Bill Hicks
I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. — Groucho Marx
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. — Conan O’Brien
I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter
I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx
I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? — Tom Clancy
I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
I only drink to make other people more sociable.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
I quote people to better express myself.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — Peter Kaye
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later. — Dave Dunseath
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
If it can go wrong it probably already has.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you take something away from users, they’ll sneak it in the back way.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
If you’re happy, you’re successful.
If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. — Johann von Neumann
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. — Charles, Count Talleyrand
In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. — Rita Mae Brown
It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. — Albert Einstein
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It’s better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.
It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
It’s like deja vu all over again.
It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required. — Winston Churchill
It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen
It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
It’s one thing to give advice, it’s another to take it.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.
Life exists for no known purpose.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease — R. D. Laing
Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. — Isaac Asimov
Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.
Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Linux is only free if your time is worthless.
Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
Logic is in the eye of the logician.
Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. — Lord Dunsany
Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. — George Burns
Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Lunix… Because i’m better than you.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. — Blaise Pascal
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer. — Erik Naggum
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Monday is the root of all evil.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. — Isaac Asimov
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never waste a lie when the truth will do. — Jack Clancy
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
No-one suspects the butterfly!
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Only users lose drugs.
Optimist: Someone without much experience.
Patience has its limits – take it too far and its cowardice. — George Jackson
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.
Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it. — Richard Feynman
Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
Programmers never die. They just become legacy. — epsilona01
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime. — Michael Sinz
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. — Evelyn Waugh
Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
Rehab is for quitters.
Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. — Joss Whedon
Resistance isn’t futile, it’s voltage divided by amperage.
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
Send lawyers, guns and money!
Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel
Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Spelling is a lossed art.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. — Heinlein
Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!
Systems aren’t made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They’re made from code, wires and hardware.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best things in life aren’t things.
The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. — Bill Gates
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. — Albert Einstein
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The future will be better tomorrow.
The Killer Ducks are coming!
The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’ — Isaac Asimov
The only certain thing in life is death.
The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. — Edmund Burke
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabell
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. — Oscar Wilde
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson
There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. — Bill Hicks
There is no time like the pleasant.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Think much, Speak little, Write less.
This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
To err is hunam.
To generalize is to be an idiot.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful. — Mae West
Too much of everything is just enough.
Tracers work both ways.
Trying is failing with honors.
Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. — Arthur C. Clarke
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about it’s friends.
Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left. — George Bernard Shaw
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
Welcome what you can’t avoid.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
Whatever happens, ignore it all.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.
You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. — Mae West
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You don’t have to explain something you never said.
You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. — Winston Churchill
You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.
You may delay, but Time will not. — Benjamin Franklin
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

Al pan, pan...

Get over it

By Eagles



I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin’ ’don’t blame me’
They point their crooked little fingers ar everybody else
Spend all their time feelin’ sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma’s too thin; your daddy’s too fat

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven’t been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, old billy was right
Let’s kill all the lawyers, kill ’em tonight
You don’t want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn’t owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don’t want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, get over it

It’s like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You’re makin’ the most of your losin’ streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin’ everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I’d like to find your inner child and kick it’s little ass

Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin’ and moanin’ and pitchin’ a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It’s gotta stop sometime, so why don’t you quit
Get over it, get over it

El Gran Hermano

"El Gran Hermano no está mirando. Está cantando y bailando. Está sacando conejos de una chistera. El Gran Hermano está ocupado manteniendo tu atención cada momento que estás despierto. Se está asegurando de que estás siempre distraído. Se está asegurando de que estás completamente absorto. (...)

Con el mundo llenándote siempre, nadie se tiene que preocupar de qué hay en tu mente. Con la imaginación de todos atrofiada, nadie será jamás una amenaza al mundo. (...)

Hay cosas peores que encontrar muertos a tu mujer y tu hijo. Puedes ver al mundo hacerlo. Puedes ver a tu mujer envejecer y aburrirse. Puedes ver a tus hijos descubrir todas las cosas del mundo de las que intentaste apartarlos. Drogas, divorcio, conformidad, enfermedad. Todos los libros, música, televisión amables y limpios. Distracción."

Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby.

Visto en Per Ardua ad Astra

Sentido y Sensibilidad

“Y aunque no siempre he entendido mis culpas y mis fracasos, en cambio sé que en tus brazos el mundo tiene sentido"
- Mario Benedetti

Vía: ¿Y para qué saber dónde dejé los pies?

I Put a Spell On You

by Jeff Beck & Joss Stone


Autor: Screamin' Jay Hawkins

I put a spell on you
because you're mine.
you better stop
the things that you're doin'.
i said "watch out!
i ain't lyin', yeah!
i ain't gonna take none of your
foolin' around;
i ain't gonna take none of your
puttin' me down;
i put a spell on you
because you're mine.
all right!
I put a spell on you
because you're mine.
you better stop
the things that you're doin'.
i said "watch out!
i ain't lyin', yeah!
i ain't gonna take none of your
foolin' around;
i ain't gonna take none of your
puttin' me down;
i put a spell on you
because you're mine.
all right!

1985+25

Carolo

Tres relatos de SF

Ayer, hoy y siempre

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man, living in the sky, who whatches everything you do every minute of yor life. And he has a list of ten thing he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time!

... But he loves you.

He loves you and he needs your money!

- George Carlin

iRealidad

Retroactualidad

When you look at me tell me, what is it you see?

When you look at me tell me, what is it you see?
Is it my strength, my pride, my will
Or is it my hurt, my pain, my skill.
Is it my knowledge, my joy, my faith
Or is it my fear, my anger, my hate.

Is it my kindness, my warmth, my honesty
Or is it my guilt, my abuse, my jealousy.
Is it my beauty, my happiness, my smile
Or is it my colour, my ugliness, my style.
Or is it my loyalty, my success, my intelligence
Or is it my pass, my mistake, my resentment

Is it my respect, my individuality, my gratitude
Or is it my defence, my failure, my attitude.
Is it my sensitivity, my patience, my confidence
Or is it my temper, my animosity, my ignorance

Is it my dreams, my hopes, my fame
Or is it my struggle, my despair, my shame.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME, TELL ME, WHAT IS IT YOU SEE?

By Gwendolyn (Blondy) Chisolm

“El dia que no existan más ratones”

"El citadino se burla del provinciano que desconfía del recién llegado que sospecha del afroamericano que recela del blanco que desprecia al francés que rechaza al polaco que duda del inglés que segrega al brasileño que se ríe del gallego que hace bromas sobre el argentino que margina al boliviano que rechaza al gringo que ofende al indio que huye del católico que humilla al judío que se aparta del palestino que mata al israelí que pelea con el árabe que desprecia a la mujer que maltrata a los chicos que pisan al sapo que come insectos que pican al hombre flaco que discrimina al gordo que se ríe del travestido que rechaza al policía que abusa del ladrón que roba al adolescente que señala al homosexual que critica al cura que rechaza al político que se aprovecha del débil que maldice al fuerte que atropella al distraído que vitupera al viejo que engaña al joven que contradice al adulto que se queja de su jefeque odia al gerente que acosa a su secretaria que envidia al cadete que huye del director que está harto del cliente que exige del vendedor que engaña al comprador que insulta al fabricante que se queja del funcionario que desdeña al periodista que hostiga al camarógrafo que prepotea al entrevistado que insulta al intelectual que señala al ignorante que ofende al estudioso que reprocha al médico que subestima al enfermo que sufre al burócrata que patea al gato que se come al ratón que muerde un tobillo y contagia la rabia.

El día que no existan más ratones se acabará la rabia y el mundo será un lugar maravilloso."

Paula Margules vía ¿Y para qué saber dónde dejé los pies?

¿Qué es fracaso?

"¿Qué es fracaso? "Es creer que tener éxito es el éxito y perder a los amigos por el camino. Fracaso es no amar lo suficiente. No esperar es fracaso. No luchar es fracaso. No desear es fracaso. Odiar es fracaso".

Maruja Torres en Facebook

Ñ.A.P.A.

"Ñ.A.P.A." son las iniciales en islandés, idioma sencillo donde los haya, de "Solución Táctica Motivada Por Recortes En Plazos Y Presupuestos, Pero Con Una Clara Visión Estratégica Y De Valor Añadido".

La aplicación de es este tipo de solución, suele venir tras lo que en chino, idioma que llevo estudiando desde hace unos meses por lo que pueda pasar, se denomina rotundamente: "Tan liao".

Times are changin'

RT @Rinze: RT @absolutme: Que tiempos aquellos cuando "Mucha policía, poca diversión" se cantaba más entre los punks que en Génova 13...

Tweet from: @kokevegan

From: @kokevegan
Sent: 3 abr, 2010 10:02

he visto certificados de defunción menos concluyentes que tu negativa a mi pregunta de si me quieres.

sent via web

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/kokevegan/status/11525270002

Brainwashed, siete maneras de reinventarte

Haz trabajo que importe.

Cuatro palabras disponibles para cualquiera. Están aquí si las quieres. La economía te acaba de dar apoyo – el apoyo para crear una diferencia, el apoyo para extender tus ideas y el apoyo para tener impacto. Más gente tiene más apoyo (más oportunidades y más poder) para cambiar el mundo que en cualquier otro momento de la historia. ¿Qué vas a hacer con ello? ¿Cuándo?

Aquí hay siete apoyos disponibles para cualquiera (como tú) en busca de la reinvención:

1. Conecta
2. Sé generoso
3. Haz arte
4. Reconoce al lagarto
5. Emtrega
6. Fracasa
7. Aprende

CONECTA

Las redes sociales son o una pérdida de tiempo, una distracción, un desperdicio o, quizás, solo tal vez, es una grieta en el muro entre tú y el resto del mundo. Es una decisión… que tienes que tomar.

Si mides cuantos followers tienes, cuantos comentarios consigues o cómo es de grande tu huella online, estás midiendo la cosa equivocada y probablemente distrayéndote de lo que importa.

Por otro lado, los medios digitales pueden ofrecerte una oportunidad de hacer conexiones reales, conseguir permiso y ganar opiniones de gente con la que nunca tendrías oportunidad de interactuar de cualquier otra manera.

Estábamos aislados, ahora estamos conectados. El individio típico no tenía el tiempo, el dinero o los contactos para ser escuchado hace solo unos pocos años. Hoy, la puerta está totalmente abierta… pero solo la gente que puede emocionarnos traspasará el umbral. Si puedes alcanzar y (mucho más importante) emocionar o cambiar a la gente, ganarás influencia, autoridad y poder.

Shepard Fairey hizo un poster de Barack Obama. Internet ayudó a extenderlo. El poster conectó a un partidario con otro y se convirtió en un icono, una tarjeta de identidad compartida libremente (y al final en una parodia). Y en el centro de todo estaba el artista. No importa que Fairey no ganara un céntimo vendiendo la imagen. Lo que importa es que él conectó y esa conexión le da un impulso a su arte.

Nunca volverá a necesitar buscar trabajo o ingresos. Éstos le encontrarán a él.

Crecimos aislado. El futuro es conectado. Crecimos incapaces de tener interacciones significativas con nadie excepto un pequeño círculo de familia y colegas. Ahora, hemos ganado el derecho a interactuar casi con cualquiera.

Creo que esto lo cambia todo… si lo permitimos.

SÉ GENEROSO

La nueva economía a menudo implica comerciar con cosas que no cuestan dinero. No hay un coste incremental en escribir un ensayo, componer una canción o hacer una presentación. Como no cuesta dinero jugar, tenemos la capacidad de dar antes de obtener.

La economía de la generosidad recompensa a la gente que crea y participa en círculos de regalos. No el enfoque directo “yo te doy esto – tú me das aquéllo” de la economía tradicional, sino la economía tribal de individuos que se apoyan entre sí.

Las tribus de individuos con talento que están conectadas, confían unos en otros y se apoyan unos a otros están en mejor posición para crear un movimiento, entregar elementos de valor, o impulsar ideas mucho más rápido que cualquier individuo ha tenido nunca.

Derek Sivers creó CDBaby.com desde su dormitorio y la convirtió en un vendedor multimillonario de música independiente. Bajo su dirección, vendía más música de más artistas que nunca nadie antes. ¿El secreto? Dedicó casi todo su tiempo a apoyar a los artistas. El software que desarrolló, los posts que escribió, los sistemas que instituyó – fueron regalos, contribuciones generosas de Derek a los artistas con los que trabajaba. A cambio, los artistas construyeron una comunidad vibrante, una que no podía hacer otra cosa que dar un beneficio.

HAZ ARTE

El arte es un regalo original, una conexión que cambia a quien lo recibe, una capacidad humana para crear una diferencia. El arte no es una pintura, ni siquiera un poema, es algo que cualquiera de nosotros puede hacer. Si interactúas con otros, tienes la plataforma para crear algo nuevo – algo que cambie todo. A eso le llamo arte.

El arte es lo contrario de la trigonometría. El arte no sigue instrucciones ni un manual ni las órdenes del jefe.

En cambio, el arte es el muy humano acto de crear lo no creado, de conectar con otra persona a un nivel humano. Lo que hemos visto es que más y más mercados recompensarán el arte con generosidad, y entregarán el trabajo rutinario al que oferte más barato.
Kathy Sierra hace arte cuando nos enseña sobre interfaces de usuario, y Mary Ann Davis hace arte cuando mueve los límites de lo que se puede hacer en alfarería. El arte parece arriesgado porque lo es. El riesgo que asume el artista es que puede no gustarte, puede que no te emocione, podrías llegar a reírte del esfuerzo. Y es asumir estos riesgos lo que nos lleva a ser recompensados.

RECONOCE AL LAGARTO

Al cerebro del lagarto (ese cerebro primordial prehistórico con el que todos tenemos que lidiar) no le gusta que se rían de él. Es la parte de nuestro cerebro que se preocupa por la seguridad y reparte ira. Que se rían de él es la peor pesadilla del cerebro del lagarto. Así que censura nuestro arte.

Steven Pressfield llama a este apagón “la resistencia”. La resistencia es la vocecita en tu cabeza que hace que bajes la frente y te anima a seguir las instrucciones. La resistencia vive del miedo, y no duda en censurarnos a la primera señal de ostracismo potencial. La resistencia es la voz que fue cómplice en el lavado de cerebro, porque la resistencia es fácil de estimular. Cuando tu profesor te amenaza con (por aquí cualquier castigo social) si no haces tus deberes en la escuela, tú haces los deberes. La resistencia gana.

Lo que los artistas han descubierto a lo largo de la historia es que la resistencia es la única barrera entre hoy y su arte. Que el acto de genio requerido para producir un trabajo original e importante está lisiado por la resistencia, e ignorar la voz del escepticismo es crítico para hacer el trabajo.

Y así, lo reconocemos. Nos levantamos y oímos la voz del lagarto que vive en nuestro cerebro y reconocemos que está ahí y después subimos al estrado y hacemos el trabajo. Reconocemos al lagarto para poder ignorarlo.

ENTREGA

La escasez crea valor. La gente paga extra por cosas que son difíciles de conseguir, mientras las que tienen exceso son baratas. Eso es economía básica.

Asi que ¿qué es escaso?

La capacidad de entregar.

Si puedes sacar algo por la puerta mientras tus competidores se encogen de miedo, ganas. Si eres el miembro del equipo que hace que las cosas pasen, te haces indispensable. Si tú y tu organización sois los (únicos) que podéis hacer cosas, cerrar la venta, enviar el producto y crear una diferencia, sois los esenciales – aquellos sin los que no podemos vivir.

Entregar es difícil por el cerebro de lagarto. La resistencia no quiere que entregues, porque si entregas, podrías fracasar. Si entregas, podríamos reírnos de ti. Si entregas, podrían hacerte responsable de las decisiones que tomaste.

La clave para la reinvención de quien tú eres, entonces, es convertirte en alguien que entrega. El objetivo es tener la rara habilidad de realmente conseguir que las cosas se hagan, hacer que sucedan y crear resultados que la gente busque.

Michael Dell entrega. También lo hace Larry Ellison y Anne Mulcahy. Callar al lagarto, reconocerlo y después ignorarlo – es la única manera.

FRACASA

Un aspecto clave de la entrega es la capacidad de fracasar. La reinvención del mercado demanda que uno tenga la capacidad de fracasar, a menudo y con gracia – ¡y en público!

La vieja economía estaba basada en fábricas e instituciones, cosas que costaba mucho tiempo construir.

Nadie en Buick o la Metropolitan Opera estaba interesado en fracasar. Costó demasiado crear estas instituciones como para que consideren la idea del crecimiento a través del fracaso.

Hoy, sin embargo, la única manera de que las organizaciones crezcan es entregar cosas arriesgadas, crear cambio, hacer arte, cambiar a la gente. Pero entregar implica el riesgo de fracasar.

Así que te exigimos que fracases.

Espero que estés dispuesto.

Durante generaciones, los artistas trataron de aparentar indiferencia. Hay incluso una palabra para ello: Sprezzatura. Es una palabra italiana, que significa “una cierta indiferencia, como para ocultar todo el arte y hacer que cualquier cosa que uno haga o diga aparezca ser sin esfuerzo y casi sin pensar en ella.”

Necesitamos una palabra nueva, una que signifique lo contrario. Es el obvio y supremo esfuerzo que implica el crear arte, desafiar al lagarto y luchar contra la resistencia.

APRENDE

El séptimo pilar es la clave de los otros seis.

Las escuelas solían existir para enseñar un oficio. Eras aprendiz, y después trabajabas el resto de tu vida en el mismo empleo, en la misma ciudada, en la misma fábrica, haciendo el mismo trabajo.

Ja.

Sigue soñando. Solo los fareros tienen ese “lujo” hoy, y ¿cuándo fue la última vez que encontraste a un farero?

Traer la mentalidad de la “escuela como evento” al trabajo hoy es cortejar cierto fracaso. La escuela no ha terminado. La escuela es ahora. La escuela son los blogs y los experimentos y las experiencias y el fracaso constante de entregar y aprender.

Ya has dado el primer paso. Has leído algo que te ha desafiado a pensar diferente.

El camino a la reinvención, sin embargo, es justo eso – un camino. La oportunidad de nuestro tiempo es descartar lo que crees que sabes y en su lugar aprender lo que necesitas aprender. Todos los días.

NOTA: Esto es una traducción autorizada, realizada por Borja Prieto en Desencadenado.com de Brainwashed, manifiesto escrito por Seth Godin con motivo del lanzamiento de su libro Linchpin: Are you indispensable?.

No a la mordaza digital

Nobody can save you but yourself

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.

- Charles Bukowski

Con la B

Una mujer desnuda y en lo oscuro

Una mujer desnuda y en lo oscuro
tiene una claridad que nos alumbra
de modo que si ocurre un desconsuelo
un apagón o una noche sin luna
es conveniente y hasta imprescindible
tener a mano una mujer desnuda

Una mujer desnuda y en lo oscuro
genera un resplandor que da confianza
entonces dominguea el almanaque
vibran en su rincón las telarañas
y los ojos felices y felinos
miran y de mirar nunca se cansan

Una mujer desnuda y en lo oscuro
es una vocación para las manos
para los labios es casi un destino
y para el corazón un despilfarro
una mujer desnuda es un enigma
y siempre es una fiesta descifrarlo

Una mujer desnuda y en lo oscuro
genera una luz propia y nos enciende
el cielo raso se convierte en cielo
y es una gloria no ser inocente
una mujer querida o vislumbrada
desbarata por una vez la muerte

Mario Benedetti

Yo no quiero más luz que tu cuerpo ante el mío

Yo no quiero más luz que tu cuerpo ante el mío:
claridad absoluta, transparencia redonda.
Limpidez cuya extraña, como el fondo del río,
con el tiempo se afirma, con la sangre se ahonda..

¿Qué lucientes materias duraderas te han hecho,
corazón de alborada, carnación matutina?
Yo no quiero más día que el que exhala tu pecho.
Tu sangre es la mañana que jamás se termina.

No hay más luz que tu cuerpo, no hay más sol: todo ocaso.
Yo no veo las cosas a otra luz que tu frente.
La otra luz es fantasma, nada más, de tu paso.
Tu insondable mirada nunca gira al poniente.

Claridad sin posible declinar. Suma esencia
del fulgor que ni cede ni abandona la cumbre.
Juventud. Limpidez. Claridad. Transparencia
acercando los astros más lejanos de lumbre.

Claro cuerpo moreno de calor fecundante.
Hierba negra el origen; hierba negra las sienes.
Trago negro los ojos, la mirada distante.
Día azul. Noche clara. Sombra clara que vienes.

Yo no quiero más luz que tu sombra dorada
donde brotan anillos de una hierba sombría.
En mi sangre, fielmente por tu cuerpo abrasada,
para siempre es de noche: para siempre es de día.

Miguel Hernández

A partir de hoy, Red y Libertad

Consideramos imprescindible la retirada de la disposición final primera de la Ley de Economía Sostenible por los siguientes motivos:

1. Viola los derechos constitucionales en los que se ha de basar un estado democrático en especial la presunción de inocencia, libertad de expresión, privacidad, inviolabilidad domiciliaria, tutela judicial efectiva, libertad de mercado, protección de consumidoras y consumidores, entre otros.
2. Genera para la Internet un estado de excepción en el cual la ciudadanía será tratada mediante procedimientos administrativos sumarísimos reservados por la Audiencia Nacional a narcotraficantes y terroristas.
3. Establece un procedimiento punitivo «a la carta» para casos en los que los tribunales ya han manifestado que no constituían delito, implicando incluso la necesidad de modificar al menos 4 leyes, una de ellas orgánica. Esto conlleva un cambio radical en el sistema jurídico y una fuente de inseguridad para el sector de las TIC (Tecnología de la Información y la Comunicación). Recordamos, en este sentido, que el intercambio de conocimiento y cultura en la red es un motor económico importante para salir de la crisis como se ha demostrado ampliamente.
4. Los mecanismos preventivos urgentes de los que dispone la ley y la judicatura son para proteger a toda ciudadanía frente a riesgos tan graves como los que afectan a la salud pública. El gobierno pretende utilizar estos mismos mecanismos de protección global para beneficiar intereses particulares frente a la ciudadanía. Además la normativa introducirá el concepto de «lucro indirecto», es decir: a mí me pueden cerrar el blog porque «promocionó» a uno que «promociona» a otro que vincula a un tercero que hace negocios presuntamente ilícitos.
5. Recordamos que la propiedad intelectual no es un derecho fundamental contrariamente a las declaraciones del Ministro de Justicia, Francisco Caamaño. Lo que es un derecho fundamental es el derecho a la producción literaria y artística.
6. De acuerdo con las declaraciones de la Ministra de Cultura, esta disposición se utilizará exclusivamente para cerrar 200 webs que presuntamente están atentando contra los derechos de autor. Entendemos que si éste es el objetivo de la disposición, no es necesaria, ya que con la legislación actual existen procedimientos que permiten actuar contra webs, incluso con medidas cautelares, cuando presuntamente se esté incumpliendo la legalidad. Por lo que no queda sino recelar de las verdaderas intenciones que la motivan ya que lo único que añade a la legislación actual es el hecho de dejar la ciudadanía en una situación de grave indefensión jurídica en el entorno digital.
7. Finalmente consideramos que la propuesta del gobierno no sólo es un despilfarro de recursos sino que será absolutamente ineficaz en sus presuntos propósitos y deja patente la absoluta incapacidad por parte del ejecutivo de entender los tiempos y motores de la Era Digital.

La disposición es una concesión más a la vieja industria del entretenimiento en detrimento de los derechos fundamentales de la ciudadanía en la era digital.

La ciudadanía no puede permitir de ninguna manera que sigan los intentos de vulnerar derechos fundamentales de las personas, sin la debida tutela judicial efectiva, para proteger derechos de menor rango como la propiedad intelectual. Dicha circunstancia ya fue aclarada con el dictado de inconstitucionalidad de la ley Corcuera (o «ley de la patada en la puerta»). El Manifiesto en defensa de los derechos fundamentales en Internet, respaldado por más de 200.000 personas, ya avanzó la reacción y demandas de la ciudadanía antes la perspectiva inaceptable del gobierno.

Para impulsar un definitivo cambio de rumbo y coordinar una respuesta conjunta, el 9 de enero se ha constituido la Red SOStenible, una plataforma representativa de todos los sectores sociedad civil afectados. El objetivo es iniciar una ofensiva para garantizar una regulación del entorno digital que permita expresar todo el potencial de la Red y de la creación cultural respetando las libertades fundamentales.

En este sentido, reconocemos como referencia para el desarrollo de la era digital, la Carta para la innovación, la creatividad y el acceso al conocimiento, un documento de síntesis elaborado por más de cien expertos de 20 países que recoge los principios legales fundamentales que deben inspirar este nuevo horizonte.

En particular, consideramos que en estos momentos es especialmente urgentes la implementación por parte de gobiernos e instituciones competentes, de los siguientes aspectos recogidos en la Carta:

1. Los artistas como todos los trabajadores tienen que poder vivir de su trabajo (referencia punto 2 «Demandas legales», párrafo B. «Estímulo de la creatividad y la innovación», de la Carta);
2. La sociedad necesita para su desarrollo de una red abierta y libre (referencia punto 2 «Demandas legales», párrafo D, «Acceso a las infraestructuras tecnológicas», de la Carta);
3. El derecho a cita y el derecho a compartir tienen que ser potenciado y no limitado como fundamento de toda posibilidad de información y constitutivo de todo conocimiento (referencia punto 2 «Demandas legales», párrafo A, «Derechos en un contexto digital», de la Carta);
4. La ciudadanía debe poder disfrutar libremente de los derechos exclusivos de los bienes públicos que se pagan con su dinero, con el dinero publico (referencia punto 2 «Demandas legales», párrafo C, «Conocimiento común y dominio público», de la Carta);
5. Consideramos necesaria una reforma en profundidad del sistema de las entidades de gestión y la abolición del canon digital (referencia punto 2 «Demandas legales«, párrafo B, «Estímulo de la creatividad y la innovación», de la Carta).

Por todo ello hoy se inicia la campaña Internet no será otra tele y se llevarán a cabo diversas acciones ciudadanas durante todo el periodo de la presidencia española de la UE.

Consideramos particularmente importantes en el calendario de la presidencia de turno española el II Congreso de Economía de la Cultura (29 y 30 de marzo en Barcelona), Reunión Informal de ministros de Cultura (30 y 31 de marzo en Barcelona) y la reunión de ministros de Telecomunicaciones (18 a 20 de abril en Granada).

La Red tiene previsto reunirse con representantes nacionales e internacionales de partidos políticos, representantes de la cultura y delegaciones diplomáticas.

Firmado: Red SOStenible. La Red SOStenible somos todos. Si quieres adherirte a este texto, cópialo, bloguéalo, difúndelo.

Virgin: the world's best passenger complaint letter?

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

Dear Mr Branson,

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2].

I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.

I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: [see image 3].

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation: [see image 4].

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: [see image 5].

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [see image 6].

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: [see image 7].

Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly

XXXX

Paul Charles, Virgin's Director of Corporate Communications, confirmed that Sir Richard Branson had telephoned the author of the letter and had thanked him for his "constructive if tongue-in-cheek" email. Mr Charles said that Virgin was sorry the passenger had not liked the in-flight meals which he said was "award-winning food which is very popular on our Indian routes."

¡Generación de los 70!

El objeto de esta nota es la de reivindicar una generación. La de todos aquellos que nacimos en la década de los 70 (un par de años arriba, años abajo), la de los que estamos currando de algo que nuestros padres ni podían soñar, la de los que vemos que el piso que compraron nuestros padres ahora vale 20 o 30 veces más, la de los que estaremos pagando nuestra vivienda hasta los ¡60 años!.

Nosotros, no estuvimos en la Guerra Civil, ni en mayo del 68, ni corrimos delante de los grises, no votamos la Constitución y nuestra memoria histórica comienza con las olimpiadas del 92. Por no vivir activamente la Transición se nos dice que no tenemos ideales y eso que sabemos de política más que nuestros padres y de lo que nunca sabrán nuestros hermanos pequeños y descendientes.

Somos la última generación que hemos aprendido a jugar en la calle a las chapas, la peonza, las canicas, la comba, la goma, el rescate o el bote bote y, a la vez, somos la primera que hemos jugado a videojuegos. Hemos ido a parques de atracciones o visto dibujos animados en color. Los Reyes Magos no siempre nos traían lo que pedíamos, pero oíamos (y seguimos oyendo) que lo hemos tenido todo, a pesar de que los que vinieron después de nosotros sí lo tienen realmente y nadie se lo dice.

Se nos ha etiquetado de generación X y tuvimos que tragarnos 'bodrios' como: Reality Bites, Melrose Place o Sensación de Vivir, que te gustaron en su momento, pero... vuélvelas a ver, verás que chasco. Somos la generación de Compañeros, de Al salir de clase... lloramos con la muerte de Chanquete, con la puta madre de Marco que no aparecía, con las putadas de la Señorita Rottenmayer.

Somos una generación que hemos visto a Maradona hacer campaña contra la droga, que durante un tiempo tuvimos al baloncesto como el primero de los deportes (¡gracias Chicho!).

Hemos vestido vaqueros de campana, de pitillo, de pata de elefante y con la costura torcida; nos pusimos bombers sin miedo a parecer skin heads. Nuestro primer chándal era azul marino con franjas blancas en la manga y nuestras primeras zapatillas de marca las tuvimos pasados los 10 años (¡Esas J'Hayber!).

Entramos al colegio cuando el 1 de noviembre era el día de Todos los Santos y no Halloween, cuando todavía se podía repetir curso. Fuimos los últimos en hacer BUP y COU, y los pioneros de la E.S.O. Hemos sido las cobayas en el programa educativo, somos los primeros en incorporarnos a trabajar a través de una ETT y a los que menos les cuesta tirarnos del trabajo...

Siempre nos recuerdan acontecimientos de antes que naciéramos, como si no hubiéramos vivido nada histórico. Nosotros hemos aprendido lo que era el terrorismo contando chistes de Irene Villa, vimos caer el muro de Berlín y a Boris Yeltsin borracho tocarle el culo a una secretaria; los de nuestra generación fueron a la guerra (Bosnia, etc...) cosa que nuestros padres no hicieron; gritamos ¡OTAN no bases fuera! sin saber muy bien qué significaba y nos enteramos de golpe un 11 de septiembre.

Aprendimos a programar el video antes que nadie, jugamos con el Spectrum, odiamos a Bill Gates, vimos los primeros móviles y creímos que Internet sería un mundo libre.

Somos la generación de Espinete, Don Pimpón y Chema 'el panadero farlopero'. Los que recordamos a Enrique del Pozo cantando con ganas “abuelito dime tu... Los mundos de Yupi y las pesetas rubias con la jeta de Franco en algunas de ellas. Nos emocionamos con Superman, ET, los Goonies o En busca del Arca Perdida.

Los del bocata de chorizo y mortadela y también Phosquitos, los Tigretones eran lo mejor, aunque aquello que empezaba (algo llamado Bollycao) no estaba del todo mal.

Somos la generación del coche fantástico, Oliver y Benjí... La generación que se cansó de ver las Mama Chicho. La generación a la que le entra la risa floja cada vez que tratan de vendernos que España es favorita para un mundial. La última generación que veía a su padre poner la baca del coche hasta el culo de maletas para ir de vacaciones.

La última generación de las litronas y los porros, y qué coño, la última generación cuerda que ha habido ¡La verdad es que no sé cómo hemos podido sobrevivir a nuestra infancia!

Mirando atrás es difícil creer que estemos vivos en la España de antes: Nosotros viajábamos en coches sin cinturones de seguridad traseros, sin sillitas especiales y sin air-bags, hacíamos viajes de más de 3 horas sin descanso con cinco personas apretujadas en el coche y no sufríamos el síndrome de la clase turista. No tuvimos puertas con protecciones, armarios o frascos de medicinas con tapa a prueba de niños. Andábamos en bicicleta sin casco, ni protectores para rodillas ni codos. Los columpios eran de metal y con esquinas acabadas en pico. Salíamos de casa por la mañana, jugábamos todo el día, y solo volvíamos cuando se encendían las luces. No había móviles. Nos rompíamos los huesos y los dientes y no había ninguna ley para castigar a los culpables. Nos abríamos la cabeza jugando a guerras de piedras y no pasaba nada, eran cosas de niños y se curaban con Mercromina (roja) y unos puntos y al día siguiente todos contentos.

Íbamos a clase cargados de libros y cuadernos, todo metido en una mochila que, rara vez, tenía refuerzo para los hombros y, mucho menos ¡ruedas! Comíamos dulces y bebíamos refrescos, pero no éramos obesos. Si acaso alguno era gordo y punto. Estábamos siempre al aire libre, corriendo y jugando. Compartimos botellas de refrescos y nadie se contagio de nada. Sólo nos contagiábamos los piojos en el cole, cosa que nuestras madres arreglaban lavándonos la cabeza con vinagre caliente (o los más afortunados con Orión).

Y ligábamos con los niñ@s jugando a beso, verdad y atrevimiento o al conejo de la suerte, no en un Chat.

Éramos responsables de nuestras acciones y arreábamos con las consecuencias. Sabias que se rifaba una ostia si vacilabas a un mayor. No había nadie para resolver eso. La idea de un padre protegiéndonos, si trasgredíamos alguna ley, era inadmisible, si acaso nos soltaba un guantazo o un zapatillazo y te callabas. Tuvimos libertad, fracaso, respeto, éxito y responsabilidad, y aprendimos a crecer con todo ello.

¿Eres tú uno de ellos? ¡Enhorabuena!

Año viejo, año nuevo, lo importante es que sepamos vivirlos

Como si de una manta de patchwork se tratara, voy a armar este mensaje de fin de año. Empiezo parafraseando a Deng Xiaoping y sigo, citando al grecorromano Plutarco: "Tenemos que vivir, y no sólo existir".

Para todos los que ya no cumpliremos 40 años, ha pasado mas o menos media vida. Y en este tiempo, esta ha transcurrido en ocasiones con un papel decididamente activo por nuestra parte y en otras, siendo sujetos pasivos de la misma y esto último es malo, repite conmigo maaaaalo.

Independientemente de tus creencias religiosas o vitales, vivir requiere pasión, saber jugar las cartas que tenemos y conseguir aquellas que nos faltan, día a día, sin descanso, sin tregua, levantarse cada día dispuesto a comerse el mundo, signifique esto lo que signifique para cada uno, sin dejar de aprovechar ni un solo instante. La vida es demasiado corta para desperdiciarla, ni para hacerla mezquina o empobrecerla.

"Cada día es una pequeña vida", proclamaba Quinto Horacio hace 2000 años, yo estoy firmemente convencido de ello, muchos años mas tarde Jean Jacques Rousseau condensó en una frase otra gran verdad: "No ha vivido más quien más años ha cumplido, sino quien más ha experimentado la vida". Para ello no hay demasiadas opciones, salvo pintarse el cuerpo con una capa de optimismo y pensar siempre, que incluso en los peores momentos, algo positivo sacaremos de la situación, haciendo que cuanto mas vivamos, mas maravillosa se vuelva nuestra vida.

Para terminar, rescatado de las felicitaciones que he recibido este año, alguien por quien siento un afecto sincero me decía "... y que la pasión por vivir venza todos los malos augurios". Esta y no otra, es la actitud.

GET READY, GET SET, LET'S GO, 2010 AND BEYOND!

How Shit Happens

traducción libre

En el principio había un Plan.

Y entonces llegaron los Supuestos.

Y los Supuestos carecían de Fundamento.

Y el Plan no tenia Sustancia.

Y la Oscuridad se cernía sobre los Trabajadores.

Y hablaron entre ellos, opinando acerca del Plan: "Es un cubo de jodida mierda y apesta".

Y los Trabajadores fueron a ver a los Supervisores para decirles: "Es un cubo de estiércol y posiblemente nadie soporte su fuerte hedor".

Y los Supervisores fueron a sus Coordinadores afirmando: "Es un contenedor de excrementos, y es muy fuerte, así que nadie podrá soportarlo".

Y los Coordinadores llamaron a sus Directores y les contaron: "Es un cargamento de fertilizantes y seguramente nadie soportara su fuerza".

Y los Directores hablaron entre sí, diciendo: "Contiene lo que ayuda a crecer a las plantas y es muy fuerte".

Y los Directores comunicaron a los Vicepresidentes: "Potencia el crecimiento y es muy poderoso".

Y los Vicepresidentes se reunieron con el Presidente, asegurándole: "Este nuevo Plan promoverá activamente el crecimiento y el vigor de la empresa, con efectos muy poderosos".

Y el Presidente considero el Plan y vio que este era bueno.

Y el Plan se convirtió en Política de Empresa.

Y así es como se gestan las cagadas.

Manifiesto 'En defensa de los derechos fundamentales en Internet'

Ante la inclusión en el Anteproyecto de Ley de Economía sostenible de modificaciones legislativas que afectan al libre ejercicio de las libertades de expresión, información y el derecho de acceso a la cultura a través de Internet, los periodistas, bloggers, usuarios, profesionales y creadores de internet manifestamos nuestra firme oposición al proyecto, y declaramos que...

1.- Los derechos de autor no pueden situarse por encima de los derechos fundamentales de los ciudadanos, como el derecho a la privacidad, a la seguridad, a la presunción de inocencia, a la tutela judicial efectiva y a la libertad de expresión.

2.- La suspensión de derechos fundamentales es y debe seguir siendo competencia exclusiva del poder judicial. Ni un cierre sin sentencia. Este anteproyecto, en contra de lo establecido en el artículo 20.5 de la
Constitución, pone en manos de un órgano no judicial -un organismo dependiente del ministerio de Cultura-, la potestad de impedir a los ciudadanos españoles el acceso a cualquier página web.

3.- La nueva legislación creará inseguridad jurídica en todo el sector tecnológico español, perjudicando uno de los pocos campos de desarrollo y futuro de nuestra economía, entorpeciendo la creación de empresas, introduciendo trabas a la libre competencia y ralentizando su proyección internacional.

4.- La nueva legislación propuesta amenaza a los nuevos creadores y entorpece la creación cultural. Con Internet y los sucesivos avances tecnológicos se ha democratizado extraordinariamente la creación y emisión de contenidos de todo tipo, que ya no provienen prevalentemente de las industrias culturales tradicionales, sino de multitud de fuentes diferentes.

5.- Los autores, como todos los trabajadores, tienen derecho a vivir de su trabajo con nuevas ideas creativas, modelos de negocio y actividades asociadas a sus creaciones. Intentar sostener con cambios legislativos a una industria obsoleta que no sabe adaptarse a este nuevo entorno no es ni justo ni realista. Si su modelo de negocio se basaba en el control de las copias de las obras y en Internet no es posible sin vulnerar derechos fundamentales, deberían buscar otro modelo.

6.- Consideramos que las industrias culturales necesitan para sobrevivir alternativas modernas, eficaces, creíbles y asequibles y que se adecuen a los nuevos usos sociales, en lugar de limitaciones tan desproporcionadas como ineficaces para el fin que dicen perseguir.

7.- Internet debe funcionar de forma libre y sin interferencias políticas auspiciadas por sectores que pretenden perpetuar obsoletos modelos de negocio e imposibilitar que el saber humano siga siendo libre.

8.- Exigimos que el Gobierno garantice por ley la neutralidad de la Red en España, ante cualquier presión que pueda producirse, como marco para el desarrollo de una economía sostenible y realista de cara al futuro.

9.- Proponemos una verdadera reforma del derecho de propiedad intelectual
orientada a su fin: devolver a la sociedad el conocimiento, promover el dominio público y limitar los abusos de las entidades gestoras.

10.- En democracia las leyes y sus modificaciones deben aprobarse tras el oportuno debate público y habiendo consultado previamente a todas las partes implicadas. No es de recibo que se realicen cambios legislativos que afectan a derechos fundamentales en una ley no orgánica y que versa sobre otra materia.